I found myself just where I left me

For a year, I’ve done nothing.

There, I’ve said it. When people asked what I was doing since I quit working at the newspaper, I made things up — or greatly exaggerated the truth. I’d say that I’d sold some columns to a few newspapers (actually only one) and started a newsletter service (but just for three businesses).

That’s it.
That’s all I’ve done for a year.
And now I know that’s okay.

Once upon a time, I knew a girl whose laugh could make you melt. Her smile started at her toes and beamed out through her eyes. Ask people what they remembered most about her; and they agreed, her smile.

I wanted to be that girl again.
I needed to be that girl again, but I couldn’t find her.

Somewhere in the dark I let go of her hand and lost her.

I tried working hard, thinking I’d find her there since she had been no stranger to hard work. Work didn’t help.

I caught a glimpse of her as she volunteered for this cause or that cause, but it was only a reflection of her old self — that person who was no more.

The children. She was always the attentive parent, so I though, surely, I could find her there, inside those children’s lives, but the only woman living there didn’t smile much; she was too tired.

It took a year of doing nothing to find her, but this is what I learned when I did.

It was never dark outside. I just had my eyes shut.

Once I opened my eyes, I found myself just where I had left me.

I’m not certain of many things anymore. Maybe in time that trust of people and beliefs will come back, but I do know this; I like me better when I laugh, and I think you do, too.

In this journey of late, I’ve learned that I am not alone in my grief or my joy.